


Atama no Sumi ni Nokotteita (It all stayed in a corner of my mind)

by vogue91



Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 17:00:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14337006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “I don’t live having too much free time, with nothing to do. It also means I have too much time to think and... I don’t always like what I think about.”





	Atama no Sumi ni Nokotteita (It all stayed in a corner of my mind)

Aiba wasn’t feeling good.

Not that it was wrong, given the circumstances. He had been in the hospital for just two days, and he already started to believe he wasn’t going to survive two weeks holed up in that room.

He was bored to death.

His mother had come visiting that morning, bringing him something to read and keeping him company for a couple of hours; when she had left, Aiba had rolled into bed again and again, without knowing what to do.

He wanted to leave; he wanted to get up, get dressed and go to work, like any other day.

He felt suffocating inside that room, where all he could do was let go to unpleasant and unhealthy thoughts.

He sighed, letting go heavily against the mattress.

He was about to give in to the temptation of television, when he heard the door opening.

He sat up, ready for any form of distraction.

When he saw Ohno getting inside the room, he thought he had been luckier that he had previously thought.

“Oh-chan! I’m glad to see you, I was incredibly bored. What are you doing here?” he asked, sitting up properly and gesticulating.

The elder smiled, waving.

“Hi, Aiba-chan. Today we were done early, so I thought to come and see how it was going. You don’t look bad or am I wrong?” he said, as if surprised by the infinite energy of the younger.

Aiba shook his head, snorting.

“The doctor said I have to be here for two more weeks, and that then I have to avoid straining my body for at least a month.” he sighed, frowning. “I don’t know if I’ll make it. It’s been just two days and I already can’t wait to go back to work, to do anything but stay in this room.” he said, seeing Ohno looking at him with an eyebrow raised.

And, when he replied, his tone showed some sort of caution.

“I understand you’re bored. But... isn’t it good, after all? Perhaps I’d feel the same if I was in your place, but it’s not a bad idea to get some rest. When was the last time you did that, among shooting, shows, concerts and everything?” he asked, slightly worried.

Aiba bit his lip, looking at the window to avert his eyes from Ohno’s.

“It’s not that. I’d like to rest, really. I’d like to sleep eight hours at night and not feel constantly tired. But... I can’t rest for real. Not under these circumstances.” he tried to explain, without saying all that was going through his mind.

Ohno sat down on his bed, crossing his legs and looking serious at him.

“Aiba-chan, what’s wrong? Is there something bothering you?” he asked, staring deep into his eyes, as if he was trying to understand what was going through his mind, to read beyond his words.

Masaki got a little antsy, starting to twist his hands.

“I don’t live having too much free time, with nothing to do. It also means I have too much time to think and... I don’t always like what I think about.” he said, accurately choosing his words. He knew that the elder was going to question him further, so he didn’t give him time to and went on. “I’ve thought about it also the first time I was in the hospital for the pneumothorax, but this time is different.” he said, then sighed once again, watching Ohno in the eyes. “Riida... do you think I’m cut out to be an idol?” he asked, murmuring, blushing for having finally expressed this particular thought.

Ohno opened his eyes wide, as if he didn’t really understand.

“What do you mean?” he asked, leaning toward him.

Aiba bit his lip.

“I’m the one who stands out less in the group. I wonder... I wonder what would happen if I was to leave the Arashi.” he said, taking a deep breath.

Satoshi jumped, as if he had just been hit. He stood up, glaring at the younger.

Aiba saw his breath coming out faster, as it happened those few times he lost his cool.

He didn’t take it as a good sign.

“Explain to me what it means. Tell me for what mechanism you have come to such a s _tupid_ conclusion, Masaki.” he said, his expression definitely irritated.

The younger shrugged, trying to make up a speech inside his mind to express what he had thought in the past days.

“I’ve always had the feeling that all of you were... a step further than me. I manage everything, yes, but I’m not particularly good at nothing, not like the four of you. I can only cause problems, like right now. What if I was to be sick again? If we have to postpone rehearsals, or anything else, because of me? It’s more work for you, and it’s not fair. So, well... I wondered if it would really change much without me there. If, on the opposite, it wouldn’t be better for everyone.” he finished.

He felt close to tears.

It really wasn’t something new, due to the fact that he’d been sick.

It was something that had always bothered him, that he had tried to ignore but that had stayed there.

He watched the other four and it always looked like they were taking it further, besting themselves, while he felt he had to make more of an effort to catch up, and never managing that.

It was a suffocating feeling, which had often made him feel uncomfortable with them.

While he lost himself in that sequence of reflections, Ohno had kept silent.

He had come back sitting on the edge of the bed, resting his elbows on his knees, his face partially hidden by his hands.

It looked like he was thinking about something, that he was looking for the right words to say.

Aiba waited patiently, trying to suppress the desire to cry.

It wasn’t the right moment.

“Masaki...” Ohno started after a couple of minutes, his voice more controlled and practical. “Nothing that you’ve said to me makes sense. Among the five of us there’s who’s better at one thing and who at another. It doesn’t mean that some of us are better, we’re just different.” he took a deep breath. “And it’s not just about work. Instead of thinking about what you can do, have you ever thought about the person you are? Did you think that when there’s tension among us you’re the only one who can fix it? Did you think about all the times you make us smile? Did you...” he sighed, biting on his tongue as to avoid to get nervous again. “Did you think about how much you care for us and how much we care for you?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. Aiba had stopped looking at him, staring at an imprecise point in a corner of the room. “Arashi are what they are because it’s the five of us, because each of us gives something, whatever that may be. If you weren’t there, it wouldn’t be Arashi anymore, it would be four distinct people. And the same if Sho-chan wasn’t there, or Nino, or Matsujun or me.” he pulled on the younger face softly, making him look again. “Am I wrong?” he asked, almost tenderly.

The younger, that up until them had managed to get a grip, started crying, feeling the tension he had piled up loosening.

“R-Riida.” he murmured, leaning over to hug him, tight. “I’m sorry. I know you all care about me, and I do about you, you’re more important than you can imagine... it’s just that I don’t want to make you worry, I wish you were serene and...” Ohno stopped him, patting on his head and hugging him back.

“It doesn’t matter that you make us worry, Aiba-chan. It’s not about being in Arashi or not. You’re our friend first, we’d worry anyway. And I’m sure that you’d do the same for any of us.” he said, still trying to sound reassuring.

The taller man pulled away and nodded.

“Yes, of course I would worry about you even if you weren’t members of Arashi. It’s obvious.” he replied.

Ohno nodded, satisfied.

“And about us going further and you staying behind... there are way too many things we can’t do and you can.” he smiled, sly. “Think about Sho dealing on his own with a pet lion in Africa.” he said, finally managing to make him smile.

Aiba reached a hand out on the nightstand, taking some tissues and drying up his face.

“I’m sorry, Oh-chan. I didn’t want to make you worry, it’s just that... I’ve been thinking about it for so long that I _had_ to talk to somebody about this.” he apologized, lowering his eyes.

Ohno chuckled, shaking his head.

“We’re here for that, Aiba-chan. Whenever you want to, call one of us. And stop thinking about useless stuff, alright?”

The younger nodded, smiling.

They kept talking for an hour or so, until the elder had to leave, promising that he was going to call to know how he was doing, and asking him not to overdo it and to listen to the doctors.

Aiba promised, but once he was alone again he started doubting.

Ohno had resolves many of his doubts, and he was grateful about that.

He felt lighter without the weight of those unhealthy thoughts, without being forced to think about the worst scenarios.

It was true, he was hardly going to think again he was useless.

It was true, but as grateful as he was it didn’t change one, fundamental thing: he was _really_ bored to death.

He wasn’t going to come out from those two weeks alive.


End file.
